Family Therapy During Times of Change and Uncertainty
It is for those reasons and more that I am excited to announce my partnership with the Open Path Collective. Open Path is a non-profit membership organization that allows individuals who are without health coverage or who have inadequate mental health coverage to access affordable, in-person care from their choice of vetted therapists.
Times continue to be challenging and changing for most of us and it is hard to know when this “season” will end. The strain is being felt for adults and children and with so much uncertainty it may feel like a risky time to commit to therapy or coaching. Yet, the added safety and connection of an ongoing relationship with a trusted therapist could be exactly what your taxed and vulnerable nervous system needs so that you can then be a source of safety and connection for your loved ones. So, how to resolve this dilemma?
Like most social workers and therapists, I have long held a passion for reducing barriers to accessing social-emotional and mental health supports for families, even as I shifted to private practice. And cost can be a real barrier for many individuals and families either for a season or, for accessing the high quality, specialized services they know their child or family needs. One clear strategy that I have used since the beginning of my private practice has been to offer services at a reduced rate using a sliding fee scale for a portion of the clients I serve. Yet, the logistics and lack of public awareness of my sliding fee scale can make it less than helpful. It is for those reasons and more that I am excited to announce my partnership with the Open Path Psychotherapy Collective.
Open Path is a non-profit membership organization that allows individuals who are without health coverage or who have inadequate mental health coverage to access affordable, in-person care from their choice of vetted therapists. They have created a platform where therapists who are committed to holding one or more slots in their schedule for a person or family with a financial need can be found and selected by members with a need. Individuals can become lifetime members for a one-time cost of $65.
You can read about the enrollment process over HERE.
And you can find my profile HERE.
You can also read more about my approach to Family Therapy.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.
12 Ways to Add Some Play to Your Days
Not only is PLAY the language of children but it is also a necessary ingredient for promoting healing, regulation, attachment, creativity, learning, health, problem-solving, persistence, processing big ideas or experiences and optimal development of the body and brain.
As a former preschool teacher and long-time play therapist who is focused on supporting relationships and regulation I can get pretty geek-ed out about play. Not only is PLAY the language of children but it is also a necessary ingredient for promoting healing, regulation, attachment, creativity, learning, health, problem-solving, persistence, processing big ideas or experiences and optimal development of the body and brain…. I could go on! I really could! ;-)
Yet, right now as we approach week 11 of being home, I am noticing how the stress of this pandemic is effecting me, my child, and those around us. Like most parents, I can get swept up in worries about lost experiences, time and learning. It feels like it has taken many weeks of trial and error to find a rhythm and ways to regulate myself without my usual people and practices. It has also taken effort at times to slow down, notice my thoughts and sensations, and to make a decision to lean into play, fun and delight. It is hard to do in the middle of a crisis. Of course it is! But after this many weeks it is also clear that we will only be able to offer resilience to our children and thriving to our families if we create time for play, fun and connection. If you have a child who is sensitive to stress then you may also get reminded of the necessity of play after a particularly rough day. Or week. What we know is that children have sensitive nervous systems that rely on their connections with us for their own feelings of calm and safety. So unfortunately our stress becomes their stress. Sometimes it looks like defiance, lots of tantrums, distractability, or even excitement… What is a great antidote to all of this stress? Play, of course.
It can be hard to think of new ways to do things in the midst of all of that stress. Our brains are focused on survival and safety, so the parts that handle problem-solving, creativity and innovation are not on board. So I thought I would start a list for you and for me to come back to when we need some fresh ideas.
12 Ways to Add Play to Your Days
There are many different kinds of play. Two that may be the most useful and available during this extended time of being at home are unstructured play and parent-child play. Unstructured play is child-led, spontaneous play without a purpose or rules. It can take patience, time and space to allow this sort of play to unfold but the results can be magical. Children also often need time and practice settling into unstructured play. It also helps to have some time of connection through observing their play, playing with them, reading books or another shared activity beforehand to help them confidently separate into their own independent play. Parent-child play helps strengthen your relationship, fills their love “cup” and builds their skills for handling future social interactions and challenges.
Parent-Child Play
Schedule 5, 10, 15 (or more) minutes to play with your child before you begin work or school work.
Start with 5-10 and build up to 15-30 if it is working for you all. Building in time for connection before meetings, zoom classes and screen time helps build security and sturdiness. As I mentioned above, filling your children’s “buckets” with your presence, playfulness and attention helps them weather separation even if it is just to another side of the same room.
Make up songs with your children about the weather, chores, ANYTHING!
You do not need to be a singer to sing. Your kids don’t care. Your nervous systems will also benefit from singing whether you are on pitch or not!
Create or find a playlist for different moods or times of the day.
Music can quickly shift our energy and invite play.
Take an outside break at lunch time.
Race, dribble, draw on the driveway…
Family game night
Build in family game time once a week or once a day (it may become a favorite)! Games can be store bought or invented. You can take turns inventing the games and the rules.
Follow their lead
Allow your children to lead the play, set a timer and follow their lead. This can be as simple as sitting with your coffee and watching them play. Asking questions. “Sportscasting” what you see. This sort of play can help you really see your child in a new light. It can reveal how they think, what their talents and interests are as well as how they are feeling about recent events. This sort of watching and listening can be especially helpful during times of stress.
Join them
For those tricky transitions, like moving from screen time back to __________ anything - join your child first. Ask what they are doing. What do they love about it. Then, remind them of the limit and offer a fun way to transition out. Maybe a race with pillows balanced on your heads?
Pause
In the midst of a struggle with your child (or partner) practice the pause. Before responding, notice what is going on in your body. Breathe. Offer yourself and them some grace in this moment. Try on a smile. Lean into a playful response. When we offer a smile it becomes a cue for safety and connection that helps disarm their own stress responses. It is a powerful way to shift the energy toward cooperation and eventually back to play.
Imaginative Child-led Play
Accessorize!
Pull out some of your jewelry, dresses, scarves, aprons, ties, hats or other accessories for your children to play with.
Fort Kit
Put together a laundry basket of sheets and thin blankets for fort building.
Loose Parts
Gather some “loose parts” or found objects from your garage, a nature walk or your yard. These can be nature items (rocks, acorns, semi precious rocks, pine cones) or a collection of random items (mental washers, bolts, plastic gems, wooden blocks) with similar properties. Unlike purchased toys these offer up an opportunity for children to create with unlimited possibilities. Children can make designs, test properties (which ones float? are they magnetic?), incorporate into imaginative play with existing toys, dolls, stuffies.
Boxes
Save those Amazon and Target boxes! Boxes are excellent for imaginative play of all sorts.
If you would like to foster more play at home but feel like you could use some additional guidance, check out this wonderful resource from the International Play Association for IPA Play in Crisis: support for parents and carers. This an easy to read guide for parents about the importance of play and how to respond to different scenarios that might be more common right now.
If you are a play geek like me but haven’t seen the short film by International Play Iceland, PLAYed, yet: click HERE to watch now!
Click here to learn more about my approach to family therapy.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.
Resources for Families with Young Children During COVID19
There are so many wonderful helpers and healers making resources to support their communities during this time of crisis.
There are so many wonderful helpers and healers making resources to support their communities during this time of crisis. I have shared a number of them on my business Facebook page but thought it would be helpful to collect them in one place for you to find more easily as needs arise.
Children’s Books and Stories to Help Explain the Virus & Sheltering in Place
More Resources for Parents and Children
Calming Resources for Parents and Caregivers
Informational Resources for Parents
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides relationship-focused therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Click here to learn more about Jeri Lea’s approach to Child Therapy
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, child counseling or family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.
Supporting Regulation When the World Is Upside Down
I have been thinking a lot about the children who have already had the experience of losing what feels familiar to them, maybe through divorce, family separation, death, and/or trauma.
The world certainly feels upside down for most of us during this crisis. Whether you are an essential worker, working overtime and practicing social distancing from your family, or suddenly sheltering in place with your family only leaving your home for brief walks and grocery trips, your routine is likely unrecognizable to the “you” of a few months ago. And then there is the threat of illness and loss beyond the loss of the familiar.
We are all carrying new and often contradictory feelings and fears each hour/day. It is a lot to hold. And even the best of us are struggling to hold it all together all of the time. Finding calm within ourselves can be especially difficult right now, even when we have the good fortune to look around and see familiar surroundings and that we are physically safe.
Now let’s turn to the children.
I have been thinking a lot about the children who have already had the experience of losing what feels familiar to them, maybe through divorce, family separation (adoption, foster care, hospitalization, etc), death, and/or trauma. The experience of this pandemic, while completely new to all of us, is likely feeling familiar in some vague, unspeakable way.
It could be the sudden loss of a special teacher and predictable routines and rhythms.
Maybe it’s the experience of having parents present but unavailable due to work, worry or fatigue.
Or maybe one parent isn’t coming home in order to protect the family from further exposure to the virus.
Even when we put words to these changes for our young children, for those who have experienced early adversity it may not be enough for them to feel safe (I wrote about “felt safety” here) and to find calm within their bodies.
Last week I also offered some strategies for supporting your children with their big emotions and behaviors.
If your child has experienced early adversity and is struggling to manage frustrations, their body and their relationships, they likely need more connection (less correction) and support to help them regulate. My colleague, Robyn Gobbel, says, “Regulated, connected kids, who feel safe, behave well.” I believe this too! And yet sometimes it can be hard to know what to do differently to help a child feel safe, connected and regulated. Shifting your perspective to viewing your child’s behavior as a stress response can help you have empathy for their struggles. Certainly following some or all of the suggestions in the posts linked above can help. Predictability, consistency, presence and compassion are powerfully calming and healing forces for children. Right now, with the world upside down, it may be that you need more inner resources to feel regulated yourself. Starting here is so important. Our children are so perceptive and sensitive to our energy and stress levels. Our nervous systems are constantly reading one another!
Focusing on your breath can be a simple practice you can return to throughout the day. Here is one exercise to try.
Movement, yoga, mindfulness, prayer or mindful self-compassion can all be useful in settling your own nervous system.
What else can we do to support regulation in our children who are vulnerable to stress?
Dr. Bruce Perry, a psychiatrist and founder of the neurosequential model of therapeutics for the treatment of early trauma, recommends following the 6 Rs to support regulation and organization.
The 6 Rs are:
Relational (with a safe adult)
Relevant (to the child’s developmental level)
Repetitive (patterned)
Rewarding (FUN!)
Rhythmic
Respectful (of the child, family and culture)
This “bottom-up” approach offers support to the brain stem, which is impacted by early stress and trauma. This is necessary before moving on to prevention or problem-solving strategies which require use of the higher level brain functions (top-down strategies). In times of stress, when we see our children struggling with regulation, coming back to these activities and building them in throughout our day in playful ways can be calming and organizing for them (and us too). And over time these fun, connecting experiences, within the context of your relationship, become the healing.
Here are some examples of activities that follow the 6Rs:
Bouncing a ball back a forth
Blowing a cotton ball or feather back and forth across a small table
Rocking in a chair or on your lap (while reading or singing)
Singing
Drumming with hands on cushions, homemade instruments or the earth
Yoga movements and breathing
Rolling a ball back a forth
Dancing
Walking
Running
Swinging
I bet you and your kids can come up with more!
If your child is struggling and you are considering counseling and would like information about my approach, click here: Child Therapy.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides relationship-focused therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, child counseling or family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.