When Change is Good, Necessary and More Than a Little Scary
And yet, just like my spider plant, we are incredibly RESOURCEFUL. Our patterns are rooted in safety and survival. When our roots were severed as babies or young children and we were replanted in a new family, we were lost and in shock.
This past weekend I visited our local farmers’ market. After scanning all of the tents for my veggie options, I noticed several small spider plants in the midst of one woman’s table full of tomatoes and squash. They caught my eye immediately as I have recently been on a mission to green up our home (again). It takes some trial and error to find plants that survive under my care but I’ve had a good track record with spider plants in the past (as long as the cat doesn’t get involved). We currently have several plants that have been thriving for three years or more and my daughter has even been naming them. Now that’s confidence!
The spider plants were in thin 4 inch pots. I quickly chose one. It had short leaves and three stems with babies already growing from them. Impressive for such a tiny plant. Once I picked it up I realized that it also had many roots growing out the holes in the bottom. So many that it toppled each time I tried to settle it in my car for the short trip home.
With the roots extending out the bottom of the pot I realized I would need to be careful as I removed it from its home and transplanted it to the roomy vibrant yellow pot I had chosen for it. I made careful slits down the side of the pot in three places and as I peeled away the sides I discovered this! It was not the baby plant I was expecting. It was a plant that had been in its starter pot for a long time. And as an ADAPTIVE strategy it grew thick roots ready to hold more water and nutrients to fuel the growth of those baby spider plants above the soil. The density of roots was really impressive. They were growing down and then up, zigzagging like (sideways) intestines.
You may be wondering why I am spending so much time describing a small houseplant… Yep, this is still my professional blog, a resource for parents and individuals seeking insights and emotional support. If you are an adoptee, adoptive parent or someone who has ever felt stuck in a pattern, you might find value in my metaphor.
Honestly, this little plant and its impressive roots might not have resulted in much more than a quick photo if it hadn’t been for the larger experience I was immersed in over the weekend. From Friday evening through Sunday evening I attended a small (virtual) writer’s intensive for adoptees with writer and writing coach, Anne Heffron, who is also an adoptee. Anne lovingly led us through a variety of writing exercises to help us each find our voice, message and to work through blocks we had around writing (i.e. living). My new spider plant immediately reminded me of an exercise from Saturday where we were asked to image ourselves as a vessel/tube of potential and then she invited us to image our vessel as being wider, infinite even. How might we live differently? I immediately had a number of ideas. I see the places where I still get stuck (I am a work in progress). And I hear from fellow adoptees how many of them get stuck in similar spots. Resting, taking in the beauty and abundance around us, playfulness, connecting with our bodies and others, navigating conflict and maybe the most important of them all: believing in ourselves and taking risks were some of the ones that came to mind. We can get stuck in our small starter pot ways too.
At the same time, just like my spider plant, we are incredibly RESOURCEFUL. Our patterns are rooted in safety and survival. When, as adoptees, our roots were severed as babies or young children and we were replanted in a new family, we were lost and in shock. Where were those familiar sounds and smells? Whose hands are these? This isn’t what or who I was expecting. What if this happens again? I can’t let this happen again, I best stay close. Or for some, I better keep my distance. Whatever the strategy, it was used to prevent more pain and to allow us to survive. It was adaptive. And now many of us, from all outward appearances, are physically safe but are left with nervous systems that are still on high alert. How does one move out of survival and venture into a bigger vessel as a person or family?
(Or maybe this perspective is entirely new to you and you are seeing yourself or someone you love with fresh eyes. Thank you for being here and for being open.)
I have a few thoughts:
SAFETY - always start here. Get back to the basics of what makes you and your loved ones feel safe. Signals of safety are read by the nervous system from sensations inside the body, outside the body and between you and others.
What qualities within your environment evoke calm and safety? Time outside in natural spaces can be grounding. When inside: soft lighting, certain music, smells, room temperature.
What routines, foods and practices have you used that support feelings of safety?
And lastly (but not the least of these by any means!) are the relationships that offer cues of safety (smiles, warmth, boundaries that feel mutual and safe, attunement, moments of joy, validation).
If your and/or your child’s nervous system is needing some gentle guidance to shift toward safety consider the Safe and Sound Protocol as a way to open yourself up to being more regulated and receptive in the midst of whatever is next (a new therapy, relationships, a new school, another long winter).
COMMUNITY - all of these items feel especially hard during this long season of a pandemic and social reckoning. On the one hand, you may be spending much less time in-person with coworkers, classmates, friends and extended family. On the other hand, you have unprecedented access to PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
If you are an adoptee then you can join a class or support group with other adoptees. There are many options for adoptees in all locations and for many ages/stages of the journey these days. Or maybe you are ready to try therapy again with a therapist who specializes in adoption and is also an adoptee? In either case, I am more than happy to connect with you and explore your needs and the resources that could best meet them, including therapy with me or someone else, a mentorship program or peer group.
If you are an adoptive parent and are looking for community, there are numerous options too! If you are longing for a holding space to build meaningful connections, to tend to your own mama heart and discuss the challenges of caring for your young children with regard for their needs and perspective, I have a space just for you!
In either case, please send me a note via my Contact page so we can connect and talk further. I look forward to connecting with you!
HEALING - One thing I have learned about healing from early trauma and adversity is that it is not a singular experience. Healing the body and brain we have requires an ongoing tending. And when possible it includes attention to all three elements simultaneously: safety, community and healing practices. For my own healing, and growth, I have benefited immensely from seeking out people who are compassionate, highly skilled and knowledgeable in the areas I am looking to grow into. I can close my eyes and see the healers and teachers who have held space for me, offered experiences of attunement, co-regulation and delight and have lovingly challenged me. Helping me move into a larger vessel or pot.
This is what I dream for you too. To have support and space to grow into your infinite potential as a person, parent or family. If I can be of support to you during this time in your journey, please reach out to me.
My new spider plant, Ida, is already stretching out and flowering in its beautiful and sturdy new pot.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by the attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her offices in Michigan. Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.
Family Therapy During Times of Change and Uncertainty
It is for those reasons and more that I am excited to announce my partnership with the Open Path Collective. Open Path is a non-profit membership organization that allows individuals who are without health coverage or who have inadequate mental health coverage to access affordable, in-person care from their choice of vetted therapists.
Times continue to be challenging and changing for most of us and it is hard to know when this “season” will end. The strain is being felt for adults and children and with so much uncertainty it may feel like a risky time to commit to therapy or coaching. Yet, the added safety and connection of an ongoing relationship with a trusted therapist could be exactly what your taxed and vulnerable nervous system needs so that you can then be a source of safety and connection for your loved ones. So, how to resolve this dilemma?
Like most social workers and therapists, I have long held a passion for reducing barriers to accessing social-emotional and mental health supports for families, even as I shifted to private practice. And cost can be a real barrier for many individuals and families either for a season or, for accessing the high quality, specialized services they know their child or family needs. One clear strategy that I have used since the beginning of my private practice has been to offer services at a reduced rate using a sliding fee scale for a portion of the clients I serve. Yet, the logistics and lack of public awareness of my sliding fee scale can make it less than helpful. It is for those reasons and more that I am excited to announce my partnership with the Open Path Psychotherapy Collective.
Open Path is a non-profit membership organization that allows individuals who are without health coverage or who have inadequate mental health coverage to access affordable, in-person care from their choice of vetted therapists. They have created a platform where therapists who are committed to holding one or more slots in their schedule for a person or family with a financial need can be found and selected by members with a need. Individuals can become lifetime members for a one-time cost of $65.
You can read about the enrollment process over HERE.
And you can find my profile HERE.
You can also read more about my approach to Family Therapy.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.
12 Ways to Add Some Play to Your Days
Not only is PLAY the language of children but it is also a necessary ingredient for promoting healing, regulation, attachment, creativity, learning, health, problem-solving, persistence, processing big ideas or experiences and optimal development of the body and brain.
As a former preschool teacher and long-time play therapist who is focused on supporting relationships and regulation I can get pretty geek-ed out about play. Not only is PLAY the language of children but it is also a necessary ingredient for promoting healing, regulation, attachment, creativity, learning, health, problem-solving, persistence, processing big ideas or experiences and optimal development of the body and brain…. I could go on! I really could! ;-)
Yet, right now as we approach week 11 of being home, I am noticing how the stress of this pandemic is effecting me, my child, and those around us. Like most parents, I can get swept up in worries about lost experiences, time and learning. It feels like it has taken many weeks of trial and error to find a rhythm and ways to regulate myself without my usual people and practices. It has also taken effort at times to slow down, notice my thoughts and sensations, and to make a decision to lean into play, fun and delight. It is hard to do in the middle of a crisis. Of course it is! But after this many weeks it is also clear that we will only be able to offer resilience to our children and thriving to our families if we create time for play, fun and connection. If you have a child who is sensitive to stress then you may also get reminded of the necessity of play after a particularly rough day. Or week. What we know is that children have sensitive nervous systems that rely on their connections with us for their own feelings of calm and safety. So unfortunately our stress becomes their stress. Sometimes it looks like defiance, lots of tantrums, distractability, or even excitement… What is a great antidote to all of this stress? Play, of course.
It can be hard to think of new ways to do things in the midst of all of that stress. Our brains are focused on survival and safety, so the parts that handle problem-solving, creativity and innovation are not on board. So I thought I would start a list for you and for me to come back to when we need some fresh ideas.
12 Ways to Add Play to Your Days
There are many different kinds of play. Two that may be the most useful and available during this extended time of being at home are unstructured play and parent-child play. Unstructured play is child-led, spontaneous play without a purpose or rules. It can take patience, time and space to allow this sort of play to unfold but the results can be magical. Children also often need time and practice settling into unstructured play. It also helps to have some time of connection through observing their play, playing with them, reading books or another shared activity beforehand to help them confidently separate into their own independent play. Parent-child play helps strengthen your relationship, fills their love “cup” and builds their skills for handling future social interactions and challenges.
Parent-Child Play
Schedule 5, 10, 15 (or more) minutes to play with your child before you begin work or school work.
Start with 5-10 and build up to 15-30 if it is working for you all. Building in time for connection before meetings, zoom classes and screen time helps build security and sturdiness. As I mentioned above, filling your children’s “buckets” with your presence, playfulness and attention helps them weather separation even if it is just to another side of the same room.
Make up songs with your children about the weather, chores, ANYTHING!
You do not need to be a singer to sing. Your kids don’t care. Your nervous systems will also benefit from singing whether you are on pitch or not!
Create or find a playlist for different moods or times of the day.
Music can quickly shift our energy and invite play.
Take an outside break at lunch time.
Race, dribble, draw on the driveway…
Family game night
Build in family game time once a week or once a day (it may become a favorite)! Games can be store bought or invented. You can take turns inventing the games and the rules.
Follow their lead
Allow your children to lead the play, set a timer and follow their lead. This can be as simple as sitting with your coffee and watching them play. Asking questions. “Sportscasting” what you see. This sort of play can help you really see your child in a new light. It can reveal how they think, what their talents and interests are as well as how they are feeling about recent events. This sort of watching and listening can be especially helpful during times of stress.
Join them
For those tricky transitions, like moving from screen time back to __________ anything - join your child first. Ask what they are doing. What do they love about it. Then, remind them of the limit and offer a fun way to transition out. Maybe a race with pillows balanced on your heads?
Pause
In the midst of a struggle with your child (or partner) practice the pause. Before responding, notice what is going on in your body. Breathe. Offer yourself and them some grace in this moment. Try on a smile. Lean into a playful response. When we offer a smile it becomes a cue for safety and connection that helps disarm their own stress responses. It is a powerful way to shift the energy toward cooperation and eventually back to play.
Imaginative Child-led Play
Accessorize!
Pull out some of your jewelry, dresses, scarves, aprons, ties, hats or other accessories for your children to play with.
Fort Kit
Put together a laundry basket of sheets and thin blankets for fort building.
Loose Parts
Gather some “loose parts” or found objects from your garage, a nature walk or your yard. These can be nature items (rocks, acorns, semi precious rocks, pine cones) or a collection of random items (mental washers, bolts, plastic gems, wooden blocks) with similar properties. Unlike purchased toys these offer up an opportunity for children to create with unlimited possibilities. Children can make designs, test properties (which ones float? are they magnetic?), incorporate into imaginative play with existing toys, dolls, stuffies.
Boxes
Save those Amazon and Target boxes! Boxes are excellent for imaginative play of all sorts.
If you would like to foster more play at home but feel like you could use some additional guidance, check out this wonderful resource from the International Play Association for IPA Play in Crisis: support for parents and carers. This an easy to read guide for parents about the importance of play and how to respond to different scenarios that might be more common right now.
If you are a play geek like me but haven’t seen the short film by International Play Iceland, PLAYed, yet: click HERE to watch now!
Click here to learn more about my approach to family therapy.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.
Resources for Families with Young Children During COVID19
There are so many wonderful helpers and healers making resources to support their communities during this time of crisis.
There are so many wonderful helpers and healers making resources to support their communities during this time of crisis. I have shared a number of them on my business Facebook page but thought it would be helpful to collect them in one place for you to find more easily as needs arise.
Children’s Books and Stories to Help Explain the Virus & Sheltering in Place
More Resources for Parents and Children
Calming Resources for Parents and Caregivers
Informational Resources for Parents
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides relationship-focused therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Click here to learn more about Jeri Lea’s approach to Child Therapy
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, child counseling or family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.
