The world certainly feels upside down for most of us during this crisis. Whether you are an essential worker, working overtime and practicing social distancing from your family, or suddenly sheltering in place with your family only leaving your home for brief walks and grocery trips, your routine is likely unrecognizable to the “you” of a few months ago. And then there is the threat of illness and loss beyond the loss of the familiar.
We are all carrying new and often contradictory feelings and fears each hour/day. It is a lot to hold. And even the best of us are struggling to hold it all together all of the time. Finding calm within ourselves can be especially difficult right now, even when we have the good fortune to look around and see familiar surroundings and that we are physically safe.
Now let’s turn to the children.
I have been thinking a lot about the children who have already had the experience of losing what feels familiar to them, maybe through divorce, family separation (adoption, foster care, hospitalization, etc), death, and/or trauma. The experience of this pandemic, while completely new to all of us, is likely feeling familiar in some vague, unspeakable way.
It could be the sudden loss of a special teacher and predictable routines and rhythms.
Maybe it’s the experience of having parents present but unavailable due to work, worry or fatigue.
Or maybe one parent isn’t coming home in order to protect the family from further exposure to the virus.
Even when we put words to these changes for our young children, for those who have experienced early adversity it may not be enough for them to feel safe (I wrote about “felt safety” here) and to find calm within their bodies.
Last week I also offered some strategies for supporting your children with their big emotions and behaviors.
If your child has experienced early adversity and is struggling to manage frustrations, their body and their relationships, they likely need more connection (less correction) and support to help them regulate. My colleague, Robyn Gobbel, says, “Regulated, connected kids, who feel safe, behave well.” I believe this too! And yet sometimes it can be hard to know what to do differently to help a child feel safe, connected and regulated. Shifting your perspective to viewing your child’s behavior as a stress response can help you have empathy for their struggles. Certainly following some or all of the suggestions in the posts linked above can help. Predictability, consistency, presence and compassion are powerfully calming and healing forces for children. Right now, with the world upside down, it may be that you need more inner resources to feel regulated yourself. Starting here is so important. Our children are so perceptive and sensitive to our energy and stress levels. Our nervous systems are constantly reading one another!
Focusing on your breath can be a simple practice you can return to throughout the day. Here is one exercise to try.
Movement, yoga, mindfulness, prayer or mindful self-compassion can all be useful in settling your own nervous system.
What else can we do to support regulation in our children who are vulnerable to stress?
Dr. Bruce Perry, a psychiatrist and founder of the neurosequential model of therapeutics for the treatment of early trauma, recommends following the 6 Rs to support regulation and organization.
The 6 Rs are:
Relational (with a safe adult)
Relevant (to the child’s developmental level)
Repetitive (patterned)
Rewarding (FUN!)
Rhythmic
Respectful (of the child, family and culture)
This “bottom-up” approach offers support to the brain stem, which is impacted by early stress and trauma. This is necessary before moving on to prevention or problem-solving strategies which require use of the higher level brain functions (top-down strategies). In times of stress, when we see our children struggling with regulation, coming back to these activities and building them in throughout our day in playful ways can be calming and organizing for them (and us too). And over time these fun, connecting experiences, within the context of your relationship, become the healing.
Here are some examples of activities that follow the 6Rs:
Bouncing a ball back a forth
Blowing a cotton ball or feather back and forth across a small table
Rocking in a chair or on your lap (while reading or singing)
Singing
Drumming with hands on cushions, homemade instruments or the earth
Yoga movements and breathing
Rolling a ball back a forth
Dancing
Walking
Running
Swinging
I bet you and your kids can come up with more!
If your child is struggling and you are considering counseling and would like information about my approach, click here: Child Therapy.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides relationship-focused therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, child counseling or family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.