This past weekend I visited our local farmers’ market. After scanning all of the tents for my veggie options, I noticed several small spider plants in the midst of one woman’s table full of tomatoes and squash. They caught my eye immediately as I have recently been on a mission to green up our home (again). It takes some trial and error to find plants that survive under my care but I’ve had a good track record with spider plants in the past (as long as the cat doesn’t get involved). We currently have several plants that have been thriving for three years or more and my daughter has even been naming them. Now that’s confidence!
The spider plants were in thin 4 inch pots. I quickly chose one. It had short leaves and three stems with babies already growing from them. Impressive for such a tiny plant. Once I picked it up I realized that it also had many roots growing out the holes in the bottom. So many that it toppled each time I tried to settle it in my car for the short trip home.
With the roots extending out the bottom of the pot I realized I would need to be careful as I removed it from its home and transplanted it to the roomy vibrant yellow pot I had chosen for it. I made careful slits down the side of the pot in three places and as I peeled away the sides I discovered this! It was not the baby plant I was expecting. It was a plant that had been in its starter pot for a long time. And as an ADAPTIVE strategy it grew thick roots ready to hold more water and nutrients to fuel the growth of those baby spider plants above the soil. The density of roots was really impressive. They were growing down and then up, zigzagging like (sideways) intestines.
You may be wondering why I am spending so much time describing a small houseplant… Yep, this is still my professional blog, a resource for parents and individuals seeking insights and emotional support. If you are an adoptee, adoptive parent or someone who has ever felt stuck in a pattern, you might find value in my metaphor.
Honestly, this little plant and its impressive roots might not have resulted in much more than a quick photo if it hadn’t been for the larger experience I was immersed in over the weekend. From Friday evening through Sunday evening I attended a small (virtual) writer’s intensive for adoptees with writer and writing coach, Anne Heffron, who is also an adoptee. Anne lovingly led us through a variety of writing exercises to help us each find our voice, message and to work through blocks we had around writing (i.e. living). My new spider plant immediately reminded me of an exercise from Saturday where we were asked to image ourselves as a vessel/tube of potential and then she invited us to image our vessel as being wider, infinite even. How might we live differently? I immediately had a number of ideas. I see the places where I still get stuck (I am a work in progress). And I hear from fellow adoptees how many of them get stuck in similar spots. Resting, taking in the beauty and abundance around us, playfulness, connecting with our bodies and others, navigating conflict and maybe the most important of them all: believing in ourselves and taking risks were some of the ones that came to mind. We can get stuck in our small starter pot ways too.
At the same time, just like my spider plant, we are incredibly RESOURCEFUL. Our patterns are rooted in safety and survival. When, as adoptees, our roots were severed as babies or young children and we were replanted in a new family, we were lost and in shock. Where were those familiar sounds and smells? Whose hands are these? This isn’t what or who I was expecting. What if this happens again? I can’t let this happen again, I best stay close. Or for some, I better keep my distance. Whatever the strategy, it was used to prevent more pain and to allow us to survive. It was adaptive. And now many of us, from all outward appearances, are physically safe but are left with nervous systems that are still on high alert. How does one move out of survival and venture into a bigger vessel as a person or family?
(Or maybe this perspective is entirely new to you and you are seeing yourself or someone you love with fresh eyes. Thank you for being here and for being open.)
I have a few thoughts:
SAFETY - always start here. Get back to the basics of what makes you and your loved ones feel safe. Signals of safety are read by the nervous system from sensations inside the body, outside the body and between you and others.
What qualities within your environment evoke calm and safety? Time outside in natural spaces can be grounding. When inside: soft lighting, certain music, smells, room temperature.
What routines, foods and practices have you used that support feelings of safety?
And lastly (but not the least of these by any means!) are the relationships that offer cues of safety (smiles, warmth, boundaries that feel mutual and safe, attunement, moments of joy, validation).
If your and/or your child’s nervous system is needing some gentle guidance to shift toward safety consider the Safe and Sound Protocol as a way to open yourself up to being more regulated and receptive in the midst of whatever is next (a new therapy, relationships, a new school, another long winter).
COMMUNITY - all of these items feel especially hard during this long season of a pandemic and social reckoning. On the one hand, you may be spending much less time in-person with coworkers, classmates, friends and extended family. On the other hand, you have unprecedented access to PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
If you are an adoptee then you can join a class or support group with other adoptees. There are so many options for adoptees in all locations and of many ages.
If you are an adoptive parent and are looking for community there are numerous options too! If you are longing for a holding space to build meaningful connections, to tend to your own mama heart and discuss the challenges of caring for your children with regard for their unspoken needs and perspective, I am working on something just for you! Send me a note via my Contact page so I can send you a note soon with more details. I am so excited to share my offering with you!
HEALING - One thing I have learned about healing from early trauma and adversity is that it is not a singular experience. Healing the body and brain we have requires an ongoing tending. And when possible it includes attention to all three elements simultaneously: safety, community and healing practices. For my own healing, and growth, I have benefited immensely from seeking out people who are compassionate, highly skilled and knowledgeable in the areas I am looking to grow into. I can close my eyes and see the healers and teachers who have held space for me, offered experiences of attunement, co-regulation and delight and have lovingly challenged me. Helping me move into a larger vessel or pot.
This is what I dream for you too. To have support and space to grow into your infinite potential as a person, parent or family. If I can be of support to you during this time in your journey, please reach out to me.
My new spider plant, Ida, is already stretching out and flowering in its beautiful and sturdy new pot.
Click here to read more about my approach to Family Therapy.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by the attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan. Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.