4 Ways to Make the Best of Summer Break

The sun is hot and fireworks have been flying! Summer is in full swing!

Maybe for you summer is a continuation of all the juggling you did during the school year: child care, virtual or in-person work, appointments, managing your children’s needs and squeezing in (or not) the rest…

Or maybe for your family summer offers a little bit of breathing room, time to reset?

How can you make the most of your time during summer break? In either scenario, the warmer weather in many parts of the northern hemisphere mixed with a break from schooling can offer some additional options for fun, connection and emotional wellness.

Here are a few ideas to help you make the most of the summer ahead!

1. Keep Realistic Expectations

Remember, just because you have a couple months of summer stretching in front of you doesn’t mean that you have to schedule every moment of it for your family or tackle every idea or project on your to-do list. Think about what your family needs most (yes, connection, play and fun are NEEDS!) after this past year and a half of unpredictability and heightened stress. Are you, your partner and your kids looking forward to some one-on-one time with one another? Have you been needing time and space to attend to your own needs for connection and self-care? Maybe your family would love to go on some day trips or visit friends and family whom you have been missing. Or could this be the best time to playfully practice a few new strategies you just didn’t have the bandwidth to focus on during the school year? And don’t forget to consider what support you need to attend to your most important priorities. Who can you you recruit to help or exchange care with for the summer?

Basically, think about what is most important to you and your family and prioritize those things so that you don’t end up stretching yourself too thin. Some families have fun creating seasonal “bucket lists.” Others use family meetings and date nights to plan and then focus on one-three key priorities.

2. Build in Some Structure

Structure and nurture are two important dimensions of every parent/child relationship. For many of us (yes, me too!), one of those comes more easily than the other. It is a natural part of our own attachment histories and strategies. Add in that many of us have a child or children who feels safest with a higher level of structure and consistency to their day.

A history of early trauma may have sensitized their nervous system toward being more reactive around changes in schedules, caregivers and thus the change from school year to summer can be bumpy to say the least! So how to keep enough structure without re-creating school and adding stress to your full plate? For some borrowing strategies from school or therapy may be helpful such as having a visual schedule for the day and the week. For others having some morning, afternoon and evening routines that stay the same most days is enough of an anchor to feel safe. But even with the best of intentions plans change! When you know the routine, caregivers or plans will be changing do your best to give your child notice and remind them of what will be staying the same. I like using bedtime as a time to connect and recap the day and preview the one to come. Maybe your child prefers more conversation and notice for such changes and would feel safest having those discussions earlier at dinner time or during your evening walk. It is helpful to consider where your child is at developmentally, as opposed to chronologically, with any of these ideas.

3. Explore Outdoors

When fall rolls around, and you wake up to the first frost of the season, you’ll likely miss these hot summer days, so make it a point to head outside whenever possible! Time outside is grounding and can lift your mood whether it is in the backyard under your favorite tree or on a faraway family vacation. Upping outside time also creates natural opportunities for kids to move in new and challenging ways which builds strength, dexterity and offers amazing sensory input that their growing brains and bodies need. Taking lunch outside to the patio or even taking a mid-afternoon break outside can be an opportunity for everyone to move, soak up some sun and feel refreshed before you need to resume your work day. The outdoors is also a perfect setting for trying messy or sensory activities (think slime, shaving cream, washing dolls and toy cars). From small daily walks and playtime all the way up to a family adventure vacation visiting a national park, spending more time outside could end up becoming the highlight of your family’s summer!

Check out these resources for additional inspiration and community:

Hike it Baby

1000 Hours Outside

Children & Nature Network on Facebook

4. Make Time for Family Fun

When your children are out of school, you have one less set of constraints and stressors for connection and family fun. Life may still be very full and complicated but maybe there is some wiggle room for catching your collective breath. And while your kids will undoubtedly want to spend some time hanging out with their friends, intentionally building in time for connection and making memories can strengthen your relationships well beyond summer. Maybe it is the perfect time to create a family “play list.” Figuring out what everyone’s idea of play is can go a long way to having more fun and connection during your busiest days as well as your family vacations. Part of your family planning could also be scheduling parent-child dates and family adventures for the season ahead.

Often as adults we create lots of expectations for ourselves around what will be the most meaningful and memorable to our children. The reality is that it is often the everyday moments of connection and joy that carry the most meaning.

Is your family struggling with the weight of this past year, the needs of a child or other stressors? Are you wanting help to build greater connection, security and peace within your family? Family therapy can help. Click here to read more about my approach to Family Therapy.

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Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides relationship-focused therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually and in-person from her office in Michigan.

Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, counseling or child and family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.

Self-Compassion and a Year of Pandemic Living

As we move toward the one year anniversary of the start of the pandemic many are being reminded of what was interrupted and lost. Children are being reminded of canceled birthday parties, abrupt endings and fears of a looming virus. You too?

And given that the pandemic continues, many of us are experiencing a second round of birthdays and holidays without those people, places and rituals we were accustomed to. Adding in various forms of social distancing and the losses of loved ones leaves most people with a very narrow window of stress tolerance. We are tired and weary.

There are so many things that are simultaneously hard, out of our control and unresolved. And yet I notice many of the parents I work with holding themselves to old expectations about what they “should” be able to handle and how they “should” feel. That inner voice can be so harsh and unforgiving. Hearing the suffering in the voices of those I work with through coaching and therapy has drawn me back to the tenets and practices of self-compassion again and again.

What is Self Compassion?

Consider the last time a loved one went through something difficult.

How did you speak to them?

What acts of care and compassion did you offer?

Now think of the way you respond to your own struggles.

What do you hear that inner voice saying?

Is the grace and compassion flowing just as freely as when you comforted your friend? That is the idea behind self-compassion.

We are so quick to offer reassurance, encouragement and comfort to our loved ones. Applying that same care and compassion to ourselves can be a more difficult shift to make.

Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer describe it this way: “Self-compassion involves treating yourself the way you would treat a friend who is having a hard time—even if your friend blew it or is feeling inadequate, or is just facing a tough life challenge. The more complete definition involves three core elements that we bring to bear when we are in pain: self-kindness, common humanity (the recognition that everyone make mistakes and feels pain), and mindfulness.”

I can’t think of any experience that brings home the concept of “common humanity” than a global pandemic. Can you? While there are profound disparities in who has been most impacted by this virus and the changes within our communities, everyone has had to make significant adjustments to how they live, work and learn. Struggle and suffering have taken new depths this past year. It seems like the perfect time to interrupt the inner critic and adopt a posture of kindness and acceptance toward yourself.

Pandemics aside, self-compassion has many benefits that will serve you well in the future. Research has found that practicing self compassion can turn down your stress response system, leading to less anxiety and depression, greater well being and resilience in the face of failure (Emma Seppala PhD, The Scientific Benefits of Self-Compassion).

How Can You Begin to Practice Self Compassion?

Kristin Neff offers a number of activities and practices you can explore on her website self-compassion.org. I am sharing two of her activities here that I have found to be especially helpful for myself and others who may be new to exploring self compassion. Click on the heading to find them on her site.

Supportive Touch

Self compassion can be as simple as offering yourself supportive touch in a moment of upset or difficulty. While hugs and snuggles with our loved ones help promote the feel good hormone, oxytocin, so does a gentle touch of our own hands. Offering yourself nurturing touch may feel awkward at first but like all things, practice Place your hand over your heart or if you are able, place one over your belly and the other over your heart and take a few mindful breaths. You can practice this daily during stressful times and see what you notice.

Self Compassion Break

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.

Now, say to yourself:

1. This is a moment of suffering

That’s mindfulness. Other options include:

• This hurts.

• Ouch.

• This is stress.

2. Suffering is a part of life

That’s common humanity. Other options include:

• Other people feel this way.

• I’m not alone.

• We all struggle in our lives.

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.

Say to yourself:

3. May I be kind to myself

You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

• May I give myself the compassion that I need

• May I learn to accept myself as I am

• May I forgive myself

• May I be strong.

• May I be patient

This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.

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I hope these practices and ideas inspire and encourage you. If you feel like your family could use more support in recovering from the stress of this year or other changes, click here to learn more about my approach to Family Therapy.

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Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides relationship-focused therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.

Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, child counseling or family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.

Finding Light in the Dark Days of Winter

The news has been filled with predictions of this coming winter being the darkest any of us has ever experienced. That news can feel unbearable after three seasons of a pandemic and all of its related consequences.

And for those of us parenting young children it can add to the weight we are feeling around the approach of holidays and a season which is often a mix of wonder and darkness. This year it feels like a swirl of anxiety and dread is heaped on top of the high expectations our children are holding for the coming weeks. And maybe their expectations are extra big this year too…

So what is the best way to bring light to the darkest days of the year, during an especially dark year? Connection, play and fun!

Dr. Stuart Brown, defines PLAY as: “an absorbing, apparently purposeless activity that provides enjoyment and a suspension of self-consciousness and sense of time.”

Brene Brown recently shared on her Unlocking Us podcast how time spent playing can generate new energy. She went on to share how her family had revolutionized their free time by focusing on play. Each family member listed out what they thought of as play using Dr. Brown’s definition as a guide. They then identified the activities they all had in common and centered their free time and vacations around only those things.

Children feel safe, seen and loved when we play with them. Having a strong, supportive family buffers them from stress and adversity, or which we have plenty. And playful connection refuels us all to better handle whatever is coming next!

And because it is a season of anticipation, holidays and rituals, all of which are being interrupted by a pandemic, it is a great time to create a family challenge or new routine. You can count down the days until the new year, begin on the winter solstice or maybe set a connection and play goal for 2021!

Here is our “play list”:

1. Watch a winter or holiday movie

2. Bake cookies

3. Make a gingerbread house

4. Hug

5. Butterfly kisses

6. Go on a family hike/try geocaching

7. Play the “Blow me over” game

8. Airplane game or airplane pose

9. Build a story game

10. Decorate the tree

11. EAT the cookies!

12. Draw together

13. Play a game

14. Read a special book

15. Play Jenga

16. Freeze dance game

17. Do yoga together

18. Snuggle

19. Build a snowman

20. Learn to ice skate

21. Sleep in/read in bed in the morning

22. Go on a hike and feed the chickadees

23. Deliver cookies to neighbors and friends

24. Make a winter playlist of favorite songs

25. Wrap presents together

26. Make a fort inside

27. ………

What would your family’s list include?

Here are some more ideas for adding connection, play and fun to your short days and long nights.

• Get outside together

  1000 Hours Outside created this inspiring Outdoor Advent Calendar.

• Listen together

  If stories and crafts are more your jam (mine too!) then you might want to acquaint yourself with Sparkle Stories and their collection of holiday activities, stories and crafts.

• Read together

  More books? Here Wee Read created a fun and inclusive reading challenge called the Mocha Express.

Click here to learn more about my approach to Family Therapy.

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Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan. Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.

When Change is Good, Necessary and More Than a Little Scary

This past weekend I visited our local farmers’ market. After scanning all of the tents for my veggie options, I noticed several small spider plants in the midst of one woman’s table full of tomatoes and squash. They caught my eye immediately as I have recently been on a mission to green up our home (again). It takes some trial and error to find plants that survive under my care but I’ve had a good track record with spider plants in the past (as long as the cat doesn’t get involved). We currently have several plants that have been thriving for three years or more and my daughter has even been naming them. Now that’s confidence!

The spider plants were in thin 4 inch pots. I quickly chose one. It had short leaves and three stems with babies already growing from them. Impressive for such a tiny plant. Once I picked it up I realized that it also had many roots growing out the holes in the bottom. So many that it toppled each time I tried to settle it in my car for the short trip home.

With the roots extending out the bottom of the pot I realized I would need to be careful as I removed it from its home and transplanted it to the roomy vibrant yellow pot I had chosen for it. I made careful slits down the side of the pot in three places and as I peeled away the sides I discovered this! It was not the baby plant I was expecting. It was a plant that had been in its starter pot for a long time. And as an ADAPTIVE strategy it grew thick roots ready to hold more water and nutrients to fuel the growth of those baby spider plants above the soil. The density of roots was really impressive. They were growing down and then up, zigzagging like (sideways) intestines.

You may be wondering why I am spending so much time describing a small houseplant… Yep, this is still my professional blog, a resource for parents and individuals seeking insights and emotional support. If you are an adoptee, adoptive parent or someone who has ever felt stuck in a pattern, you might find value in my metaphor.

Honestly, this little plant and its impressive roots might not have resulted in much more than a quick photo if it hadn’t been for the larger experience I was immersed in over the weekend. From Friday evening through Sunday evening I attended a small (virtual) writer’s intensive for adoptees with writer and writing coach, Anne Heffron, who is also an adoptee. Anne lovingly led us through a variety of writing exercises to help us each find our voice, message and to work through blocks we had around writing (i.e. living). My new spider plant immediately reminded me of an exercise from Saturday where we were asked to image ourselves as a vessel/tube of potential and then she invited us to image our vessel as being wider, infinite even. How might we live differently? I immediately had a number of ideas. I see the places where I still get stuck (I am a work in progress). And I hear from fellow adoptees how many of them get stuck in similar spots. Resting, taking in the beauty and abundance around us, playfulness, connecting with our bodies and others, navigating conflict and maybe the most important of them all: believing in ourselves and taking risks were some of the ones that came to mind. We can get stuck in our small starter pot ways too.

At the same time, just like my spider plant, we are incredibly RESOURCEFUL. Our patterns are rooted in safety and survival. When, as adoptees, our roots were severed as babies or young children and we were replanted in a new family, we were lost and in shock. Where were those familiar sounds and smells? Whose hands are these? This isn’t what or who I was expecting. What if this happens again? I can’t let this happen again, I best stay close. Or for some, I better keep my distance. Whatever the strategy, it was used to prevent more pain and to allow us to survive. It was adaptive. And now many of us, from all outward appearances, are physically safe but are left with nervous systems that are still on high alert. How does one move out of survival and venture into a bigger vessel as a person or family?

(Or maybe this perspective is entirely new to you and you are seeing yourself or someone you love with fresh eyes. Thank you for being here and for being open.)

I have a few thoughts:

1. SAFETY - always start here. Get back to the basics of what makes you and your loved ones feel safe. Signals of safety are read by the nervous system from sensations inside the body, outside the body and between you and others.

   What qualities within your environment evoke calm and safety? Time outside in natural spaces can be grounding. When inside: soft lighting, certain music, smells, room temperature.

   What routines, foods and practices have you used that support feelings of safety?

   And lastly (but not the least of these by any means!) are the relationships that offer cues of safety (smiles, warmth, boundaries that feel mutual and safe, attunement, moments of joy, validation).

   If your and/or your child’s nervous system is needing some gentle guidance to shift toward safety consider the Safe and Sound Protocol as a way to open yourself up to being more regulated and receptive in the midst of whatever is next (a new therapy, relationships, a new school, another long winter).

2. COMMUNITY - all of these items feel especially hard during this long season of a pandemic and social reckoning. On the one hand, you may be spending much less time in-person with coworkers, classmates, friends and extended family. On the other hand, you have unprecedented access to PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

   If you are an adoptee then you can join a class or support group with other adoptees. There are many options for adoptees in all locations and for many ages/stages of the journey these days. Or maybe you are ready to try therapy again with a therapist who specializes in adoption and is also an adoptee? In either case, I am more than happy to connect with you and explore your needs and the resources that could best meet them, including therapy with me or someone else, a mentorship program or peer group.

   If you are an adoptive parent and are looking for community, there are numerous options too! If you are longing for a holding space to build meaningful connections, to tend to your own mama heart and discuss the challenges of caring for your young children with regard for their needs and perspective, I have a space just for you!

   In either case, please send me a note via my Contact page so we can connect and talk further. I look forward to connecting with you!

3. HEALING - One thing I have learned about healing from early trauma and adversity is that it is not a singular experience. Healing the body and brain we have requires an ongoing tending. And when possible it includes attention to all three elements simultaneously: safety, community and healing practices. For my own healing, and growth, I have benefited immensely from seeking out people who are compassionate, highly skilled and knowledgeable in the areas I am looking to grow into. I can close my eyes and see the healers and teachers who have held space for me, offered experiences of attunement, co-regulation and delight and have lovingly challenged me. Helping me move into a larger vessel or pot.

This is what I dream for you too. To have support and space to grow into your infinite potential as a person, parent or family. If I can be of support to you during this time in your journey, please reach out to me.

My new spider plant, Ida, is already stretching out and flowering in its beautiful and sturdy new pot.

Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by the attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her offices in Michigan. Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.