As a former preschool teacher and long-time play therapist who is focused on supporting relationships and regulation I can get pretty geek-ed out about play. Not only is PLAY the language of children but it is also a necessary ingredient for promoting healing, regulation, attachment, creativity, learning, health, problem-solving, persistence, processing big ideas or experiences and optimal development of the body and brain…. I could go on! I really could! ;-)
Yet, right now as we approach week 11 of being home, I am noticing how the stress of this pandemic is effecting me, my child, and those around us. Like most parents, I can get swept up in worries about lost experiences, time and learning. It feels like it has taken many weeks of trial and error to find a rhythm and ways to regulate myself without my usual people and practices. It has also taken effort at times to slow down, notice my thoughts and sensations, and to make a decision to lean into play, fun and delight. It is hard to do in the middle of a crisis. Of course it is! But after this many weeks it is also clear that we will only be able to offer resilience to our children and thriving to our families if we create time for play, fun and connection. If you have a child who is sensitive to stress then you may also get reminded of the necessity of play after a particularly rough day. Or week. What we know is that children have sensitive nervous systems that rely on their connections with us for their own feelings of calm and safety. So unfortunately our stress becomes their stress. Sometimes it looks like defiance, lots of tantrums, distractability, or even excitement… What is a great antidote to all of this stress? Play, of course.
It can be hard to think of new ways to do things in the midst of all of that stress. Our brains are focused on survival and safety, so the parts that handle problem-solving, creativity and innovation are not on board. So I thought I would start a list for you and for me to come back to when we need some fresh ideas.
12 Ways to Add Play to Your Days
There are many different kinds of play. Two that may be the most useful and available during this extended time of being at home are unstructured play and parent-child play. Unstructured play is child-led, spontaneous play without a purpose or rules. It can take patience, time and space to allow this sort of play to unfold but the results can be magical. Children also often need time and practice settling into unstructured play. It also helps to have some time of connection through observing their play, playing with them, reading books or another shared activity beforehand to help them confidently separate into their own independent play. Parent-child play helps strengthen your relationship, fills their love “cup” and builds their skills for handling future social interactions and challenges.
Parent-Child Play
Schedule 5, 10, 15 (or more) minutes to play with your child before you begin work or school work.
Start with 5-10 and build up to 15-30 if it is working for you all. Building in time for connection before meetings, zoom classes and screen time helps build security and sturdiness. As I mentioned above, filling your children’s “buckets” with your presence, playfulness and attention helps them weather separation even if it is just to another side of the same room.
Make up songs with your children about the weather, chores, ANYTHING!
You do not need to be a singer to sing. Your kids don’t care. Your nervous systems will also benefit from singing whether you are on pitch or not!
Create or find a playlist for different moods or times of the day.
Music can quickly shift our energy and invite play.
Take an outside break at lunch time.
Race, dribble, draw on the driveway…
Family game night
Build in family game time once a week or once a day (it may become a favorite)! Games can be store bought or invented. You can take turns inventing the games and the rules.
Follow their lead
Allow your children to lead the play, set a timer and follow their lead. This can be as simple as sitting with your coffee and watching them play. Asking questions. “Sportscasting” what you see. This sort of play can help you really see your child in a new light. It can reveal how they think, what their talents and interests are as well as how they are feeling about recent events. This sort of watching and listening can be especially helpful during times of stress.
Join them
For those tricky transitions, like moving from screen time back to __________ anything - join your child first. Ask what they are doing. What do they love about it. Then, remind them of the limit and offer a fun way to transition out. Maybe a race with pillows balanced on your heads?
Pause
In the midst of a struggle with your child (or partner) practice the pause. Before responding, notice what is going on in your body. Breathe. Offer yourself and them some grace in this moment. Try on a smile. Lean into a playful response. When we offer a smile it becomes a cue for safety and connection that helps disarm their own stress responses. It is a powerful way to shift the energy toward cooperation and eventually back to play.
Imaginative Child-led Play
Accessorize!
Pull out some of your jewelry, dresses, scarves, aprons, ties, hats or other accessories for your children to play with.
Fort Kit
Put together a laundry basket of sheets and thin blankets for fort building.
Loose Parts
Gather some “loose parts” or found objects from your garage, a nature walk or your yard. These can be nature items (rocks, acorns, semi precious rocks, pine cones) or a collection of random items (mental washers, bolts, plastic gems, wooden blocks) with similar properties. Unlike purchased toys these offer up an opportunity for children to create with unlimited possibilities. Children can make designs, test properties (which ones float? are they magnetic?), incorporate into imaginative play with existing toys, dolls, stuffies.
Boxes
Save those Amazon and Target boxes! Boxes are excellent for imaginative play of all sorts.
If you would like to foster more play at home but feel like you could use some additional guidance, check out this wonderful resource from the International Play Association for IPA Play in Crisis: support for parents and carers. This an easy to read guide for parents about the importance of play and how to respond to different scenarios that might be more common right now.
If you are a play geek like me but haven’t seen the short film by International Play Iceland, PLAYed, yet: click HERE to watch now!
Click here to learn more about my approach to family therapy.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.