Finding Joy, Again
So, I made a project out of “noticing,” noticing what made me smile and delighted me. It became a summer project. As it turned out, many of the things I noticed were elements and experiences in nature.
As a therapist and parent coach who is also a parent (and human), there are moments when my life parallels the lives of my clients. Covid was an intense and prolonged example of this as we all were coping with sudden changes and unpredictable circumstances which at times exhausted our tools for caring for ourselves and our families. Parenting since Covid has continued to be tricky for so many, me included. We are all still “in it,” in that the pandemic impacted… everything… in ways we can’t always articulate and see. Figuring out what our kids need physically/socially/emotionally/educationally, while so much of the world tries to resume life as “normal” can be nothing short of exhausting. This is especially true for caregivers of kids with vulnerable nervous systems.
In brief, that’s where I have been: in a season of intense focus on family, working hard to understand and advocate for what my child needs, making necessary adjustments and then finally tending to my own vulnerable nervous system (words I never had as a kid but that would have fit then too!). Like many of you, we have had to let go of many things to find a new rhythm that allows everyone to experience more regulation, connection and felt safety.
Last winter, as we were in the thick of struggle, I did what I often do, I asked a lot of questions (sometimes too many I am told!), made lists and tried my best to make some things happen! Can you relate?
One of the lists I started was a Joy List for my daughter and me. And next to it an Ease List for each of us. We both came up with a number of ideas for bringing more ease and comfort to our bodies and nervous systems. And she rattled off 9 things/people/experiences that bring her Joy. I then put the big pink sheet of lists on the fridge and we moved on to whatever was next that day. It took some time, but she noticed what was missing first and asked, “Mom, how come there is nothing on your Joy list?” At first, I dismissed it. I was likely multitasking to begin with. After some time, I found myself checking out that blank space. Why wasn’t there anything there? Why couldn’t I come up with 2, 3, or even ONE thing? This can’t be a good sign! And while there is grief in not having access to some of my biggest Joys, surely I should figure out how to have more Joy where I am right now. So, I made a project out of “noticing,” noticing what made me smile and delighted me. It became a summer project. As it turned out, many of the things I noticed were elements and experiences in nature. They weren’t the big things I might have wished for like a vacation by the ocean or a trip to a new forest. Nope. They were the smallest moments of joy that I collected right outside my door. The butterflies and zinnias. Short walks in the warm sun all by myself. The view of a lake outside my window. As I intentionally collected my “noticings” I also began to feel more connected to myself.
This is no small thing!
It is worth pursuing all on its own!
It’s a summer and lesson I won’t soon forget.
Nervous system healing can be in the little things too. As I started noticing and working to incorporate more Joy and Ease into my life, I began to feel more grounded, and my window of stress tolerance slowly widened. Which allowed me to stay more regulated and better connected to myself during moments of intensity. That’s pretty useful too, right?
We’ve made a lot of big changes too. Changes to our expectations (dropping lots of “shoulds”), our routines, school and my work.
It’s been hard, hard work but fruitful.
How do I know that it is fruitful? With lots of intentional effort, there is more playfulness, joy and ease in our bodies and house these days. Not every moment of every day, but more and more.
It’s been an experience of learning right alongside my clients. Reminding myself of how growth and healing happen (inside relationships! and in small moments) and practicing being with myself and my child.
I made this printable of some of the ways that you too could use nature, inside and outside, to help you connect with the wider world and yourself through the next few months and beyond. Most of them are also wonderful activities to do as a family! Click below for your copy.
National Adoption/Adoptee Awareness Month
Adoptees are passionate because we live in a world that continues to prefer and promote a narrative that nurturance, love and comfort matter more than who they are received from.
It’s November…again
Another month of National Adoptee/Adoption Awareness Month.
Another month of watching, listening, and reading the work of fellow adoptees.
I often sit in awe and silence and go a bit into my possum brain. (IYKYK)
It’s been a long while since I have offered an introduction, so let’s start there:
Hi! I am Jeri Lea. I am a therapist, a parent (via marriage and adoption), a white cis gendered woman, daughter, sister, friend, aunt, godmother (but not a very good one), “Dee” and more.
I am also an adoptee from a domestic, same race adoption from the baby scoop era.
Recently I attended a work meeting where we each shared a baby photo and told an early story. This is the photo I chose. It is one of the first photos I have...
I know, some may be thinking, “What do I do and where do I work that allows/requires you to share baby pictures and talk about your early stories!”
So weird, right?
Not really. It’s all pretty cool and kinda perfect!
Somehow I found my way to the field of infant & early childhood mental health.
From years of caring for babies and young children to learning about attachment theory to finding out there was a specialty dedicated to safeguarding and/or healing the earliest of human relationships.
It’s been a journey that is interwoven with my personal journey of learning to appreciate and honor the importance of my earliest days, even as that ran counter to the messages I received from the world at large.
Like every adoptee I know, there hasn’t been one single moment of consciousness raising but many small and not so small moments strung together, sometimes with years in between. And the journey continues!
One such moment was back in the mid-90s (eek!) while I was in a post-graduate certificate program. It was a small cohort centered around supporting families with babies and toddlers. One day we were beginning with a new teacher, Bill Schafer, and as he closed the door to the classroom (and while I was busy setting up my name tent and not at all focused) he asked a surprising question, “How many of you here are adopted?” I was distracted but by the time the words landed in my brain and my brain made sense of them, it was too late to raise my hand. But what in the world? He then said, “Oh, well usually there are one or two adoptees in every group because adoptees are always fascinated with the origins of things.”
This was so confusing to me. Many years later when Bill became my mentor, I shared this memory with him and he shook his head in disbelief. He believed me but couldn’t believe he had said it in such a casual way.
It’s nearly 30 years later and I fully understand and own that statement he made. Adoptees are fascinated with the origins of things and for very good reasons!
Our origins matter!
The rhythms, sounds, smells, tastes and touches from the very beginning matter. Interruptions to these experiences, even when they are brief, matter.
Experiences that are “too much, too soon and too fast” (Menakem, 2017) during these early days matter disproportionately (more than they will just a few weeks from now (Perry and Winfrey, 2021).
Adoptees are passionate because we live in a world that continues to prefer and promote a narrative that nurturance, love and comfort matter more than who they are received from.
Most prospective and expectant parents continue to not be prepared for the impact of those early disruptions, losses and traumas (too much, too soon, too fast) on their young baby or child.
Thus, this is my greatest wish:
It’s time for the gap between the adoption professionals and the infant-family professionals to close. We can change the experiences for parents and very young adoptees and we should. That doesn’t mean that my field is immune to the persistent win-win narrative of modern adoption but it does mean that there are a group of early interventionists and clinicians who are already trained to be with and support complex family systems and vulnerable babies.
Babies need attunement.
Attunement requires being seen for who they really are.
Being seen requires understanding who their family is, what their earliest experiences were, acknowledging their identities, familial, cultural and historical roots, preferences and more.
Seeing a baby clearly requires processing the losses, expectations and family wounds that led to this moment in this family.
The earlier they are seen and known, the earlier their adults can make decisions that are truly aligned with their best interests.
Now dream with me if you are so inclined…
Maybe that might mean more expectant parents are supported in their time of challenge to find the resources and community they need to keep their family together.
Or, if their heartbreaking circumstances still require it, they could make informed decisions AND receive the care they need throughout and after to tend to their broken hearts and practical needs.
Maybe it would mean that prospective adoptive/foster parents would seek out a consultation to discuss their expectations, hopes/dreams, losses and the needs of the child coming to their home.
Maybe it would mean more prospective adoptive parents would seek out therapy for themselves early in the process.
Maybe it would mean there would be fewer adoptees and for the ones still placed outside of their families, their new families would be supported skillfully from the beginning to ensure their connections to family of origin remain a priority, that all of their parents would have support around navigating sticky encounters, milestones, and stories to be told.
Because adoption would be centered on the needs of the baby/child.
Maybe it would mean…
That parents' education and growth would be ongoing, side by side with their child.
That cycles of loss and trauma would finally be interrupted and healed.
That ghosts in the child’s and parents’ pasts would be known and grieved.
That common early challenges for separated and relinquished babies around sleep, eating, separation and co-regulation would be identified and supported, instead of dismissed.
That more therapists, counselors and early childhood professionals would become informed and begin deconstructing the western story of modern adoption.
Who is ready?
I know many adult adoptees who are already sounding the alarm and shouting that the cost of this remaining a dream is far too high.
It’s time for it to become our reality.
P.S. If this is already happening in your corner of the world, I would love to connect with you and hear more!
4 Ways to Make the Best of Summer Break
The warmer weather in many parts of the northern hemisphere mixed with a break from schooling can offer some additional options for fun, connection and emotional wellness. Here are a few ideas to help you make the most of the summer ahead!
The sun is hot and fireworks have been flying! Summer is in full swing!
Maybe for you summer is a continuation of all the juggling you did during the school year: child care, virtual or in-person work, appointments, managing your children’s needs and squeezing in (or not) the rest…
Or maybe for your family summer offers a little bit of breathing room, time to reset?
How can you make the most of your time during summer break? In either scenario, the warmer weather in many parts of the northern hemisphere mixed with a break from schooling can offer some additional options for fun, connection and emotional wellness.
Here are a few ideas to help you make the most of the summer ahead!
1. Keep Realistic Expectations
Remember, just because you have a couple months of summer stretching in front of you doesn’t mean that you have to schedule every moment of it for your family or tackle every idea or project on your to-do list. Think about what your family needs most (yes, connection, play and fun are NEEDS!) after this past year and a half of unpredictability and heightened stress. Are you, your partner and your kids looking forward to some one-on-one time with one another? Have you been needing time and space to attend to your own needs for connection and self-care? Maybe your family would love to go on some day trips or visit friends and family whom you have been missing. Or could this be the best time to playfully practice a few new strategies you just didn’t have the bandwidth to focus on during the school year? And don’t forget to consider what support you need to attend to your most important priorities. Who can you you recruit to help or exchange care with for the summer?
Basically, think about what is most important to you and your family and prioritize those things so that you don’t end up stretching yourself too thin. Some families have fun creating seasonal “bucket lists.” Others use family meetings and date nights to plan and then focus on one-three key priorities.
2. Build in Some Structure
Structure and nurture are two important dimensions of every parent/child relationship. For many of us (yes, me too!), one of those comes more easily than the other. It is a natural part of our own attachment histories and strategies. Add in that many of us have a child or children who feels safest with a higher level of structure and consistency to their day.
A history of early trauma may have sensitized their nervous system toward being more reactive around changes in schedules, caregivers and thus the change from school year to summer can be bumpy to say the least! So how to keep enough structure without re-creating school and adding stress to your full plate? For some borrowing strategies from school or therapy may be helpful such as having a visual schedule for the day and the week. For others having some morning, afternoon and evening routines that stay the same most days is enough of an anchor to feel safe. But even with the best of intentions plans change! When you know the routine, caregivers or plans will be changing do your best to give your child notice and remind them of what will be staying the same. I like using bedtime as a time to connect and recap the day and preview the one to come. Maybe your child prefers more conversation and notice for such changes and would feel safest having those discussions earlier at dinner time or during your evening walk. It is helpful to consider where your child is at developmentally, as opposed to chronologically, with any of these ideas.
3. Explore Outdoors
When fall rolls around, and you wake up to the first frost of the season, you’ll likely miss these hot summer days, so make it a point to head outside whenever possible! Time outside is grounding and can lift your mood whether it is in the backyard under your favorite tree or on a faraway family vacation. Upping outside time also creates natural opportunities for kids to move in new and challenging ways which builds strength, dexterity and offers amazing sensory input that their growing brains and bodies need. Taking lunch outside to the patio or even taking a mid-afternoon break outside can be an opportunity for everyone to move, soak up some sun and feel refreshed before you need to resume your work day. The outdoors is also a perfect setting for trying messy or sensory activities (think slime, shaving cream, washing dolls and toy cars). From small daily walks and playtime all the way up to a family adventure vacation visiting a national park, spending more time outside could end up becoming the highlight of your family’s summer!
Check out these resources for additional inspiration and community:
Children & Nature Network on Facebook
4. Make Time for Family Fun
When your children are out of school, you have one less set of constraints and stressors for connection and family fun. Life may still be very full and complicated but maybe there is some wiggle room for catching your collective breath. And while your kids will undoubtedly want to spend some time hanging out with their friends, intentionally building in time for connection and making memories can strengthen your relationships well beyond summer. Maybe it is the perfect time to create a family “play list.” Figuring out what everyone’s idea of play is can go a long way to having more fun and connection during your busiest days as well as your family vacations. Part of your family planning could also be scheduling parent-child dates and family adventures for the season ahead.
Often as adults we create lots of expectations for ourselves around what will be the most meaningful and memorable to our children. The reality is that it is often the everyday moments of connection and joy that carry the most meaning.
Is your family struggling with the weight of this past year, the needs of a child or other stressors? Are you wanting help to build greater connection, security and peace within your family? Family therapy can help. Click here to read more about my approach to Family Therapy.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides relationship-focused therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually and in-person from her office in Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, counseling or child and family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.
Supporting Children Through the Loss of a Loved One
Trying to understand the death of a loved one can be confusing for a child. Perhaps your child has just had to say goodbye to a beloved grandparent, aunt, or uncle.
Has your family recently suffered a loss or are you anticipating a loss? If so, I am sending you compassion from afar.
Trying to understand the death of a loved one can be confusing for a child. Perhaps your child has just had to say goodbye to a beloved grandparent, aunt, or uncle. Maybe you have lost your spouse, and your child is trying to adjust to life without their parent. Or you have experienced a pregnancy loss after anticipating and celebrating a new sibling. If so, your child will likely have questions, fears and many feelings at once. And you may even see a younger version of your child for a period of time.
Oxygen Mask ON!
Supporting a child through the loss of a loved one can be emotionally challenging at times. After all, you are likely navigating your own grief as well. Please know that your wellbeing is incredibly important! Your grief needs space too. And at the same time, your child likely needs you even more right now. So place your own oxygen mask on first! For you that may mean asking for help from friends and family, finding support in your faith community, starting grief counseling or locating a support group. Then consider these tips for supporting your child through this uncertain time.
Encourage Them to Express Their Feelings
Give your child time and space to talk about how they are feeling. Be there to comfort them when they’re upset and crying. But it’s important to note that children experience grief somewhat differently than adults. For instance, it’s not uncommon for a child to cry over a deceased love one and then seem to cheer up a few minutes later and switch their focus to playing. Or maybe your little one is playing out stories of death in their imaginative play. Play is the language of children and a natural source of healing. Listen in or ask to observe. Then you can make note of what they are thinking, questions or errors in thinking and feelings that need validating. If you are feeling at a loss for words, check out some children’s books on loss from your local library. Stories can help both us and our kids find words and make meaning.
Talk About What to Expect
This applies to both an anticipated loss as well as one that has already occurred. If your child is accompanying you to the hospital, a funeral or wake they may have lots of questions about what it will be like. Tell them what to expect to prepare them for the dying process and memorial rituals. Hospice staff or Child Life specialists can be incredibly helpful in this area. And if the person who died was a part of their typical routines – for instance, a grandparent who picked them up from school – let your child know who will take over these roles now so that they aren’t caught off guard.
Be Direct
We often use euphemisms to talk about death. Your faith may be very important to you and your family in coping with your loss and will likely inform the words you choose. At the same time, while adults will know what you mean when you use phrases like “passed away,” your child may not. It can be hard to tell your child that someone they loved died, but using concrete terms to explain death is important to help them understand exactly what happened. This also helps prevent some misunderstandings and worries for young children.
Try to Maintain Routines
Yes, some routines in your child’s life may change permanently after their loved one’s death. And your family’s routines will probably be temporarily disrupted in the days or weeks immediately following your loved one’s passing. But once it’s possible to settle back into predictable routines, doing so can help your child adapt. Giving them a sense of structure will help them manage the stress of this loss and the resulting changes to your lives. This is a great area to put family and friends “to work” for you. They want to help but just don’t know how. Are there tasks they can assist with so you are freed up to take your children to and from school or to allow for one on one time?
Help Your Child Remember
Our broader culture has very few rituals for honoring the death of a loved one. If you are a part of a faith community, this may also inform the decisions you make to honor your beloved. Your child may want to attend and if older, may want to contribute by writing or creating something to be displayed or shared at the memorial or funeral. Many adults worry about young children attending funerals for fear of upsetting them. Yet, including young children in these rituals helps them understand and cope with the loss. Your little one may also want to draw or paint a picture of them having fun with their loved one. Allowing them to participate in the memorial process in some way can help them say goodbye. A memorial service is just the beginning of the remembering process. As a family, you can also work together to identify ways to honor the memory of your beloved during the days, weeks and years ahead. Including your children in this process can strengthen your relationship and offer comfort and healing.
Consider Therapy
Everyone copes differently with loss. And some children have a very hard time, especially those who have experienced prior losses. We also live in a culture that makes very little space for sadness, anger, upset and grief. It can make for a lonely journey. If you are becoming concerned about your child’s wellbeing, and you’re not sure how to help them further, working with an experienced child and family therapist can give you the additional support you and they need. My approach to Child Therapy can support you and them through this difficult time.
Reach out to me today to request a free 30 minute discovery session to explore if I could be a good fit for your family’s needs.
Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides relationship-focused therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually and in-person from her offices in Brighton and Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering parent coaching, counseling or child and family therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.