Finding Joy, Again

As a therapist and parent coach who is also a parent (and human), there are moments when my life parallels the lives of my clients. Covid was an intense and prolonged example of this as we all were coping with sudden changes and unpredictable circumstances which at times exhausted our tools for caring for ourselves and our families.  Parenting since Covid has continued to be tricky for so many, me included. We are all still “in it,” in that the pandemic impacted… everything… in ways we can’t always articulate and see. Figuring out what our kids need physically/socially/emotionally/educationally, while so much of the world tries to resume life as “normal” can be nothing short of exhausting. This is especially true for caregivers of kids with vulnerable nervous systems.

In brief, that’s where I have been: in a season of intense focus on family, working hard to understand and advocate for what my child needs, making necessary adjustments and then finally tending to my own vulnerable nervous system (words I never had as a kid but that would have fit then too!). Like many of you, we have had to let go of many things to find a new rhythm that allows everyone to experience more regulation, connection and felt safety.

Last winter, as we were in the thick of struggle, I did what I often do, I asked a lot of questions (sometimes too many I am told!), made lists and tried my best to make some things happen! Can you relate?

One of the lists I started was a Joy List for my daughter and me. And next to it an Ease List for each of us. We both came up with a number of ideas for bringing more ease and comfort to our bodies and nervous systems. And she rattled off 9 things/people/experiences that bring her Joy. I then put the big pink sheet of lists on the fridge and we moved on to whatever was next that day. It took some time, but she noticed what was missing first and asked, “Mom, how come there is nothing on your Joy list?” At first, I dismissed it. I was likely multitasking to begin with. After some time, I found myself checking out that blank space. Why wasn’t there anything there? Why couldn’t I come up with 2, 3, or even ONE thing? This can’t be a good sign! And while there is grief in not having access to some of my biggest Joys, surely I should figure out how to have more Joy where I am right now. So, I made a project out of “noticing,” noticing what made me smile and delighted me. It became a summer project. As it turned out, many of the things I noticed were elements and experiences in nature. They weren’t the big things I might have wished for like a vacation by the ocean or a trip to a new forest. Nope. They were the smallest moments of joy that I collected right outside my door. The butterflies and zinnias. Short walks in the warm sun all by myself. The view of a lake outside my window. As I intentionally collected my “noticings” I also began to feel more connected to myself.

This is no small thing!

It is worth pursuing all on its own!

It’s a summer and lesson I won’t soon forget.

Nervous system healing can be in the little things too. As I started noticing and working to incorporate more Joy and Ease into my life, I began to feel more grounded, and my window of stress tolerance slowly widened. Which allowed me to stay more regulated and better connected to myself during moments of intensity. That’s pretty useful too, right?

We’ve made a lot of big changes too. Changes to our expectations (dropping lots of “shoulds”), our routines, school and my work.

It’s been hard, hard work but fruitful.

How do I know that it is fruitful? With lots of intentional effort, there is more playfulness, joy and ease in our bodies and house these days. Not every moment of every day, but more and more.

It’s been an experience of learning right alongside my clients. Reminding myself of how growth and healing happen (inside relationships! and in small moments) and practicing being with myself and my child.  

I made this printable of some of the ways that you too could use nature, inside and outside, to help you connect with the wider world and yourself through the next few months and beyond. Most of them are also wonderful activities to do as a family! Click below for your copy.

A Secret Ingredient to Greater Cooperation and Connection with Your Child - It is YOU!

Over the recent winter break my daughter and I were home more than usual and out of our now “regular” routine. Add in sweets, treats, bright lights, late nights and more excitement…. It is a recipe for something but not usually for ease and connection.

Then this happened:

My daughter was upset when I said no to something (not sure if it was sugar or media) and with many of the added ingredients from the list above (less sleep, changes in routines and schedules, less movement and lots of treats) it didn’t surprise me when she leaned over a basket and began shooting stuffed things out of it in protest.

In a moment of clarity and calm I got close, took a breath and said (likely after validating her disappointment), “Oh, would you like to make a crash pile?” Without losing a beat she replied, “Yes!” And then she was off to gather every pillow and soft thing she could find in our house to make a pile AND THEN an obstacle course (recreating some of her favorite elements of the yoga class we used to attend together when she was a toddler.

Magical, huh? It really was magical. (Okay, it may not seem magical if you were expecting our house to stay tidy in the midst of meeting her need!)

Yet, it doesn’t always end this way. Sometimes it ends with more throwing and both of us reacting instead of responding, followed by both of us working to find the right mix of soothing to regroup.

But it did happen. And afterwards, I couldn’t stop thinking about what made it possible. So many reasons why my daughter wouldn’t be able to manage a frustration in that moment but she was quick to embrace my suggestion and didn’t even need or ask for support in making the shift (also unusual).

So what were the secret ingredients on this day that allowed us both to stay regulated enough to shift to something playful? Over the preceding two days I had taken some time to connect with a friend, move my body each day AND I made it to church. Three things that helped to fill my own cup. It had been a lovely weekend with lots of space for me to recharge which isn’t always possible. Yet, it highlights the nature of regulation as being a relational experience. When we are feeling calm and resourced, we are better able to send signals of safety and to share our calm with our children.

What can you do if your cup is feeling dry?

How can you build in regular, small moments and routines for tending to your own needs?

Here is a short list of suggestions for mini-breaks to get you started:

1. Wake up 15 minutes before your children to breathe, meditate, pray, stretch, brew coffee…

   I know many moms (myself included at times) who stay up late each night to have some alone time. This tends to lead to less sleep and even disrupted sleep.

2. If being in nature grounds you, find ways to get outside with your kids or alone.

   Taking your children to a park or nature trail or meeting another family there is a wonderful way to reset everyone’s nervous systems, get some exercise and some vitamin N! Hike it Baby is a wonderful organization that can help you connect with other families in your area who also want to get outside. Check out THIS post for more ideas for getting your family outside.

3. Create a playlist of songs for the hardest part of your day.

4. If you can’t get out to see a friend, schedule a virtual coffee date.

   Better yet, schedule in some social time each week. Date night AND a walk with a friend.

5. Speaking of date night, tend to your relationship with your partner.

   Build small and not so small regular routines into your day/week/month that allow for connection, planning, and communication.

What micro, medium and large moments can you give yourself to tend to your own needs for connection, regulation and joy?

Click to read more about my approach to Parent Coaching. If you would like to explore how coaching or therapy could help you feel more resourced and nourished so that you can care for your family, please click HERE to send me a note. I offer a free 30 minute discovery session where I can get to know a little about you and your needs and you can get a sense of me and my approach.

---

Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.

Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.

Lessons from My Parenting Journey

I came to parenting later than most, first through marriage and then adoption. And even with all of my education and years supporting other parents and families I wasn't prepared for how my world would be turned upside down by this new experience including my health, my relationships and my self-confidence.  So, in addition to lots of professional experience and education, I now have my own catalog of observations, challenges, mistakes, and lessons learned.  Eventually I began to find my footing and my community. I also started a healing journey to reclaim and reshape my health, how I took care of myself and those I love most.

It also deepened my resolve to approach my work with a holistic lens and, among other things, led me to study holistic nutrition through the Institute for Integrative Nutrition for a year.

Among the many lessons I learned (or relearned) as a new parent were:

• This is a soul stretching journey for which we need layers of support! And yet we live in a culture that often leaves new parents, whether by birth or adoption, isolated.

• Babies are a-w-e-some and are often our best teachers. They are exquisitely aware, conscious and present from the beginning in ways we can't perceive until we are intimately involved in their care and we have the luxury of s-l-o-w-i-n-g down. (Babies kind of demand it, if we are understanding their language.)

• Our early experiences and first relationships from childhood are the foundation for our ability to navigate our most important relationships as adults and oftentimes healing is needed, again and again.

• We need nourishing food, some uninterrupted sleep, time with our partner and time alone in order to meet our baby or child(ren)'s needs for connection, comfort and nourishment.

• Our physical health and mental well-being are intricately tied, as they are for our children.

• All behavior has meaning. Theirs and ours.

• Gentleness is called for.

• Waiting and watching creates space for them to develop strength, persistence, confidence and agency. It also gives us space to see our little ones more clearly.

So, whether you are just considering parenthood, are newly embarking on this intense and beautiful journey, or are at a fork in the path and looking for support to find your own inner compass (again), I am here for you.

Click to read more about my approach to Parent Coaching

Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan. Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. "

Bagwhan Shree Rajneesh

Photo by JW Photography

The "RESPECT" in Respectful Parenting

I wanted to talk with you about a topic that's been on my mind, in my conversations and in the social media posts I've been reading lately, even more so during this season of holidays when we're spending time with extended family including grandparents, great grandparents, aunts and uncles.

A word that comes up often in and around parenting is one that has become really loaded: it is the word RESPECT.

I use it to talk about parenting practices (as in respectful parenting) for lack of a better word. I often hesitate to use it because of how loaded of a term it has been. In my childhood, I often heard that it was essential for me to show respect to my parents and that meant speaking and behaving calmly no matter what… No matter how I was treated, what was happening in that moment or how I was feeling inside. I had to be perceived as being respectful in all moments. I bet this might resonate for some of you?

So, that word, RESPECT, is my topic for today. And if you're wondering if this is relevant to you and if you should continue reading? My thoughts around “respect” are relevant to those with newborns, all the way up to adult children.

I'm going to start with a story of how this came to my mind. Like many of you, I traveled before Thanksgiving. My daughter and I went to visit some of my family. And it was a trip that didn't go totally as planned. My daughter ended up being sick for a good deal the trip. For a portion of the time we were staying with one of my sisters and my other sister had come to visit for dinner, and there had just been a lot going on so our time together was much shorter than any of us would have liked. And then it came time to say goodbye to one sister as we would be leaving the next day. As I was supporting my daughter in saying goodbye to her cousin and her aunt I said to her, “would you like to give him a high five or a handshake, how would you like to say goodbye.” I really don't remember what she chose, or if she chose either of those things. Then it was time to say goodbye to my sister and my sister said to my daughter, “Okay, since your mom gave you a choice. I'm going to give you a choice. Would you like to give me a high five or a hug.”

I was just so touched. You know, going into the holidays we can have a lot of worry about family visits. I didn't have a lot of worry about how it would go for us with this part of my family actually. I was just filled with anticipation, about the trip and really looking forward to it but I know that's not always true. It can be challenging when visiting different parts of our families and friend groups, worrying about how they might perceive our parenting or perceive our children. And so I was really touched that she had been paying attention, and that she wanted to do something that would feel respectful.

There's that word…

And so I've been thinking about that a lot. My coach, Lisa McCrohan, (yes, therapists and coaches have therapists and coaches too) uses the word REGARD and she uses it a lot. She likes to use it in favor of the word respect and so I was curious about that. Lisa even has a 30 day course titled Regarding Our Children, where she goes into that much more deeply. So I looked up the definitions for both words to have a bit of a comparison.

The word RESPECT, in the Oxford Dictionary, is defined as “a feeling of deep admiration for someone elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.”

And as a verb, it is “to admire based on abilities, qualities, and achievements.”

So thinking about how this might show up with our children is in the thinking that it's just something we show when they're doing or being the way that we want them to be. And that resonated with my experience of that word as a child.

REGARD on the other hand, is defined as “attention, consideration.”

Also, “a look or a gaze”

Or a third definition was “a protective interest.”

And so that look, that gaze is what really caught my eye, attention and consideration. That if we're really seeing our children and if that's how we want to show respect, through looking and seeing who they truly are...

And really that's at the heart of my passion for the work is coming alongside parents, caregivers and teachers and other interested people and helping them truly see what is going on for their child, the meaning that their behavior has.

Just being seen is very powerful and essential.

Thinking about strategies, and this is where it continues to apply to all of us. How do we show regard or make a shift from a mindset of expecting or demanding respect from our children to shifting towards showing regard and what the value is in doing that.

The value in doing that is that it helps our children have confidence in themselves and their bodies. And over time it teaches them how to be safe with their bodies through having body autonomy.

Strategies

1. Having regard for ourselves.

   This is something I'm continuing to practice for myself. We are all in different places working on this, I imagine. It's something maybe you would like to work on too. That could start with pausing and noticing how you're feeling in your body in a given moment and at different moments throughout the day. That's something Lisa, a Somatic Experiencing practitioner, has helped me with at different times: to learn how to be more aware of my body. This has been especially useful as I tend to be more of a “head type”.

   And so pausing and noticing how you feel in your body, making a note of that. And then making the shift, something you can do in that moment as simple as breathing differently. We know that taking a longer exhale than inhale is something that is calming and sends a signal to the brain that I AM SAFE.
   
   So noticing how you are feeling and making a shift. Or making a note and saying to yourself and those around you, “Okay I need to take a break. I can't do it right the second we're in the middle of something really intense or important, but I'm going to find a way to make a shift, to pay attention to myself and take care of myself in the next few minutes here.”
   
   So with babies and children:

2. Waiting.

   This is something that you can do, even with a newborn. A newborn baby is someone whom you are just learning all about: their language, their temperament, their preferences. But one of the ways that we can show regard from the beginning is to pause: to watch and wait for them to look at you before you pick them up or before you speak to them. It's hard to see what they're doing as being important but it really is their “work”. They're taking in their surroundings and they're learning about everything from the beginning. So waiting for them to pause and to look at you before speaking to them, picking them up, or to change a diaper is a wonderful way to support their regulation, self-awareness, confidence and attention. Going along with that:

3. Asking for permission.

   I did this with my daughter when she was a baby and it was amazing to me (even though my background is in infant and early childhood mental health) to see how early she was able to communicate with me and show that she heard me and that she was getting her body ready for what I was saying was coming next. It became a routine, a pattern she could anticipate.

   So experiment with asking for permission before picking up, touching or moving them.

4. Joining a child.

   I don't know about your home but in mine, the TV, tablet, listening to audio books… setting limits around all of these things can be challenging. And so, one of the things I have noticed is that if I am to join a child, or my child in particular, for a few minutes. And I connect with her around what she's watching or doing and then say, “Okay, after this episode we're going to turn it off/take a break/move on to something else.” It all goes much smoother! That joining is really an act of regard and also helps them feel connected and prepare before having to move away from something that really has their attention.

5. Body autonomy and choices

   The last one is one that I think is really catching on in popularity in schools which I'm so excited to see. I've seen it in my daughter's school and I've seen Facebook posts and videos of it being done in other schools and that's really encouraging to me. Giving children control over how and if they greet others and show affection to others. And so this is something that I think we're growing in awareness of how important it is for children to have autonomy over their bodies.
   
   Choices offered can be: a high five, a hug, a handshake, a dance, or silly custom handshakes. I have found that adding a little bit of movement and silliness into times of transition can make those moments easier to tolerate as well. So, if it is hard for your child to say good-bye or transition to a new caregiver, talk with them in advance about how they would like to connect with the caregiver as well as how they would like to say good-bye to you. Connection and relationships make all the difference!

If you have any thoughts or questions about what I've shared here today, I'd love it if you would put them in the comments below the video on Facebook or send me an email or DM.

You can read more about my approach on my Parent Coaching page.

Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan. Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.