The Holidays and Creative Self-Care for Parents

Snow is on the ground here in Michigan (a lot of it!) and Christmas music is starting to play in stores.  What does this mean? It's got me in a holiday frame of mind, thinking about all of you and your upcoming gatherings with extended family and friends.  I know for many these gatherings can bring joy and new opportunities for building traditions and strengthening connections.  At the same time it can generate anxiety in parents who have children with unique needs and/or who have chosen to parent differently than they were parented in an effort to raise whole, emotionally and physically healthy children.  Most likely it brings both for most of us.  Life is a whole lot of "Both/And", a mix of joy and challenge.  And when we have children it brings issues from our childhood back to the foreground in an often surprising and intense way.  This is ultimately an opportunity for healing and growth but, like all such opportunities, being in the middle can feel miserable and messy.  Awareness to understanding to empathy to change...  It's a journey and one that requires support and community.

This is what inspired my workshop for November, Parenting as Social Action, (which wasn't the best name for it as it turns out... lesson learned).  My intention was to offer a safe space for support, reflection and resource building to fortify and encourage some of the parents in my local community on this brave path of parenting! 

In preparation for the workshop I was reminded of my love for writing, especially creative journaling, as an avenue for healing.  I have been using journaling with parents since I was a young therapist but more recently (2014) I took an online course with Brene Brown on her book, The Gifts of Imperfection.  In it she led us through the book, chapter by chapter, with guided art journal assignments and discussion about what she calls the "guide posts."  As it turns out, it was the perfect medicine for my soul during a long season of waiting, a season in which I now wish I had focused more on my own healing than I did. Ultimately, it ended up being great preparation for what was to come, as our daughter unexpectedly joined our family via adoption shortly after I finished the course. 

Then this week my daughter, who has been intently and intensely creating art as of late, asked to use my oil pastels which I had bought for that course almost 6 years ago (and likely haven't used since then)... Synchronicity at its finest.  So back to my memories of that course and the photo above, which I had posted on Instagram at the time, came to mind.  It was the beginning of an ongoing journey in vulnerability and courage as I gingerly tip toed into the waters of sharing my truth.  The last five years of motherhood, co-parenting and family have offered many opportunities to step further into these waters toward finding my voice, healing my heart and integrating my story, unlike any other time.   
 

So for those of you preparing for gatherings big and small with a bit of apprehension or anxiety about how your children or your parenting will be received

I offer these words of encouragement: 

• You are brave.  Being willing to reflect on, learn and grow within your relationships with your babies (whatever their ages) tells me this.

• Authentic living and parenting requires vulnerability and more courage than you likely feel prepared to muster.

• Your parents and grandparents were all doing the best they could with what they had and knew at the time.  As Pam Leo says, “Every generation of parents softens what they got for their children.”

• Parenting can often feel lonely and yet community (found or made) is necessary for any important endeavor.

• Space and time for reflection is a salve for the soul.

• And similar to how your little one's brain is built on the millions of everyday moments you share, your brain will be re-shaped by the relationships, routines and experiences that fill your days.

Strategies for building in small moments for safe connection, reflection and (soul) nourishment?

• Alone time

  Can you proactively build in alone time with your partner, a FaceTime chat with a close friend, time for prayer/yoga/walking/journaling before and after gatherings with relatives?

  
  

• Journaling

  If you already journal or would like to give creative journaling a try, here are a few ideas for getting started:If you don’t yet have a journal consider choosing a journal without lines, maybe an art pad, for more flexibility. Gather some art materials such a crayons, water color paints, magazines, colored pencils, oil pastels but really use whatever you have or enjoy. (Brene’s course was an excellent time for me to use some of the neglected scrapbooking materials I had stored away.) Then set them in a space where you will see them and have access to them.

• Create a parenting mission statement or manifesto

  If you are in a relationship with your co-parent, set aside some time to brainstorm your parenting values with them. Include what you wish for your children to have and to experience in your family. Check out Brene Brown’s Parenting Manifesto HERE for inspiration!

  
  

• Choose a word

  Choose a word or phrase to anchor yourself over the coming season. Create a page or small note and decorate it with colors, paints, glue, glitter… Make it yours! Put it somewhere where you can easily see it (take a picture of it and save it in your phone, put it on the wall near where you meditate or pray or change diapers or all three!).

• Write yourself permission slips

  One of the exercises Brene shares is the practice of writing “permission slips.” We often think of permission slips as being written by parents for their children. Brene suggests writing yourself permission slips. Think of your higher/wiser self giving you permission to feel your feelings (I give myself permission to … cry when I am sad, …to enjoy my son in the midst of…), do hard things (to say no, to gently set a boundary with my mom around…), recognize your own needs and take action (to say no (again), to slow down, to take a break, to leave when it feels like too much). As you prepare for a long car trip, an exciting event or stressful gathering, consider what you might need, write it down and put it in your pocket as a reminder and encouragement.

• Reflect on your own childhood “angels”

  Write a letter to a parent or other caregiver from your childhood, expressing gratitude for all the things you got from them (love, curiosity, sense of humor, traditions). Only include those things that you appreciate. Explore drawing a picture of your childhood self with this caregiver with your non-dominant hand as a way to access the more emotional and intuitive parts of yourself (and your brain). For more on this activity, non-dominant hand drawing and creative journaling see Lucia Capacchione’s books. This one is an abbreviated version of one of her journal exercises, Paying Tribute (pg. 37 of The Creative Journal for Parents)

• Write a letter to a younger YOU

  Write a letter to your “inner child,” the little boy or girl part that remains in you today. You can write this with your dominant hand, offering words of comfort, acknowledgement, safety, whatever you feel they need and didn’t get at the time. You as an adult now can tend to that young part of yourself. Let them know how you will be taking care of him/her over the holidays or every day. You can begin a dialogue with this inner child part by alternating writing with your dominant hand (adult, thinking, problem-solving part) and your non-dominant hand (child, feeling, security seeking part).

Some of these activities can bring up painful memories or emotions for those who experienced early adversity or trauma (which is most of us). If at any time it feels overwhelming, please stop and seek support. Support may be a friend, partner, a therapist or coach. There is no shame in seeking out support for your healing work. It takes real courage to grow and heal from painful experiences.

Here are some of my favorite introspective parenting books:

Connection Parenting by Pam Leo

The Creative Journal for Parents by Lucia Capacchione

Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell.

Brene Brown’s books are all wonderful but Daring Greatly includes a specific chapter on Wholehearted Parenting. It is full of wisdom and inspiration.

And if differences in parenting or child caregiving creates tension between you and your parents or in-laws, check out Janet Lansbury’s blog and podcast for a number of articles and episodes on this common issue. I shared THIS ONE just this week with a parent.

Last but certainly not least, if you would like support on this parenting journey for healing and tending to your heart, I would love to connect with you. And to learn more about my approach check out my Parent Coaching page.

Click the button below to send me a note to request a free 30 minute Discovery Session.

Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan. Jeri Lea offers a free 45 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.

Increasing Felt Safety

Recently I had the honor of spending an evening with group of local parents, grandparents and professionals discussing BIG behaviors and emotions in our children and where they come from.  I really appreciated the openness and willingness of those who were there to try on new ideas.  It takes vulnerability and courage to reflect on your beliefs and practices as a parent, many of them passed down from family and culture.  I know that being a parent is definitely one of the most challenging (and rewarding) roles I will have in my lifetime.  And from talking to other parents I know I am not alone in that. And part of what makes it easier is having community, knowing that there are many of us navigating this uncharted path of raising little ones to be kind and compassionate in a modern world.

During the workshop we talked about the science of the brain and the autonomic nervous system and how it is our stress/alarm system that is most often underlying aggression, "tantrums," yelling and other big behaviors.  And because our little ones are in a state of fight or flight (or freeze), it just isn't the time for a lot of talking or for a teachable moment. 

Words need to be sparse, but our presence needs to be ample. 

My daughter and I used to have a code for this set of sensations in the body - it's that "I'm being chased by a bear" feeling.

It isn't a thought or a willful choice.  It is the brain's response to a threat detected inside the body, in the environment or in between (our relational space).   

In those moments they really need to borrow our energy and regulation.  It is within our relationship with them that they will regulate and return to a more regulated state.

I used to say that we need to stay calm and they will return to a calm state. What I have since learned is that calm isn’t the point. Staying connected to ourselves and having congruence, or a match between our energy and the situation, is the goal when thinking about co-regulation and eventually self-regulation.

But what about when those moments come all too often?  How can you prevent the meltdowns over time?  For children who seem highly sensitive, anxious, or who have experienced early stress and trauma we want to increase feelings of safety and decrease feelings of threat.  Translating it into our new understanding of the nervous system:

How can you increase your child's sense of "felt safety"?

5 Strategies for Increasing Felt Safety

1.  Validate feelings

One of the most effective ways I have found to help I child feel seen and heard is to acknowledge and validate their feelings.  This also helps them learn to identify their own feelings and to trust themselves and their bodies.  Something I am often asked in reference to this is about being too empathetic or "soft" when focusing on feelings so much.  My response is always:  you can notice and validate your child's response while still holding a boundary.  You don't have to remove the limit and sometimes you absolutely can't.

"I can see you are really disappointed and mad that we aren't going to go to the toy section today.  You really wanted a new toy.  Today we don't have the time (or ___________) to stop there."

2.  Look for opportunities to give your child control through choices and compromises. 

Parents vary in the amount of control they like to share with their children and variation is the spice of life.  However, finding the special recipe that works for you and your child at their current stage and state is where the magic is.  How can you help your child feel in control of their world in regular doses?  There is much that is decided for them so offering them the opportunity to decide on the exact number of minutes left of playing before cleaning up or the order to do their morning routine can help a child feel seen, important and in charge.  This is especially useful for a child who is struggling with anxiety.  Anxiety often appears as anger or obstinance in a little one.

3.  Look for ways to simplify their days and their world. 

We live in a fast-paced world with lots of coming and going.  Simplifying our routines and our days, providing ample time for sleep, play time (outside and in) and family time should take priority as you work to build up your child's sense of safety and coping skills for stress. And look for opportunities to drop demands. If you put on your x-ray vision goggles and look at your child’s day through their eyes and body, what can you notice? Where are there demands that ultimately aren’t necessary right now?

4. Eliminate irritants/toxins

Again if you have a child who is easily stressed or highly sensitive, you may want to consider what those internal and external triggers are and how to eliminate or reduce them.  Are their foods, toxins, nutritional deficiencies, sensory needs or sensitivities?

5.  Music therapy using the Safe and Sound Protocol

The SSP is a non-invasive, passive intervention that uses engineered music to tap into the autonomic nervous system and re-tune it toward safety.  The Safe and Sound Protocol was developed by Dr. Stephen Porges. It is a five-hour auditory intervention designed to reduce stress and auditory sensitivity while enhancing social engagement and resilience. Based on Dr. Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, by calming the physiological and emotional state, the door is opened for improved awareness, communication and more successful therapy (beginning counseling, play therapy, occupational therapy, school, or other transitions).

The SSP is a research-based therapy showing significant results in the following areas:

• Social connectedness

• Emotion regulation

• Improved stress tolerance and resilience

I have used this protocol and was so impressed by the results that during the summer of 2019 I became an SSP practitioner.  Click here to read more about the Safe and Sound Protocol.

For more information about how I can support you and your family in finding greater safety, connection and success at home and school check out the following links or click the button below to send me a note and request a free virtual discovery session:

Parent Coaching

Child Therapy

Being With: A Course for Parents of Kids with Vulnerable Nervous Systems and Big Baffling Behaviors (created by Robyn Gobbel, MSW).

Safe and Sound Protocol

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Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood mental health, parenting, trauma, attachment, and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families in-person and virtually from her offices in Brighton and Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. Click the button below and send me a note to request a discovery session.

My Adoption Journey

Editing to add: This post is titled “My Adoption Journey” but the truth of being adopted means that there isn’t a full narrative while we are still living here on this earth. Our stories and healing are always evolving. We are always changing in our perspective, relationships to self and others and consciousness. This post and linked podcast are dots on the map of my journey. Please listen in if you like AND know that I am in a much different place today than I was. Always growing and learning.

This spring I did something I had never done before: I shared about my journey as an adoptee and adoptive parent on a podcast for adoptive parents, The Adoption Connection. My hope in sharing my story was to help adoptive parents (and anyone else who loves an adoptee) better understand the unique lifelong journey of an adoptee regarding identity, belonging and family. As I listened to the recording I realized I was literally integrating older parts of my story with my more recent experiences as the host, Melissa, asked me questions and I (slowly) answered them.

Telling our stories in a safe space (whatever that is for your present and future needs, maybe not a podcast for you!) can help bring integration and clarity about how far we have come and what we need to further our own growth and healing. For me it has been important to integrate my personal and professional selves in order to be a secure and loving parent, as well as an authentic presence and support for families. Brene Brown’s research and writing on vulnerability and courage has both inspired and challenged me to take action and use my voice to create change.

Where in your life have you been brave and vulnerable? How did it impact you and others? I would love it if you sent me a note via my contact page to let me know.

If you would like to hear the podcast you can find it anywhere podcasts are found. It is episode #47 of The Adoption Connection podcast. Here is a link to the episode webpage:

http://www.theadoptionconnection.com/episode-47/

Click to learn more about my approach to Family Therapy

Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan. Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.

All Behavior Has Meaning

Today my daughter was so reluctant to get ready to go to her preschool.

So many “delay tactics”! Finally after lots of playing and mess making she said, "I don't want to go to preschool today. I just want to stay with you."

ME (to myself): "Oh, of course!"

So we talked about how common it is to have a hard time when adjusting to new things. New routines, schedules and people. All three of which are part of our new summer routine. I told her that many kids, many PEOPLE, struggle with new things, her mama included.

And we agreed to talk about some strategies to help her feel safe and calm over lunch. Then it wasn't more than 2 minutes into eating lunch that she reminded me of one of our favorite mood lifters, the "breath of joy!" She got up from the table and asked me to remind her how to do it and then she did it herself. And then proceeded to do another brain calming routine that I had been practicing just this week (which she had previously declined joining me for).

After, I asked how she felt and she said, "Happy." Getting ready after this was uneventful and when we got there I offered to do some "breaths of joy" with her in the parking lot. She said she was okay and didn't need to.

This experience reminds me of one my core beliefs: "All behavior has meaning."

We had had a bumpy morning which left me feeling frustrated and like I was totally off track in my parenting. But as soon as she shared how she was feeling I was able to understand and empathize with her experience and put it all in context.

It isn't always so quick and easy to uncover the meaning of a child's behavior. It can be bewildering trying to sort out the timing, triggers and common threads. This is often where consulting with a coach or psychotherapist (depending on the needs of the family and child) knowledgeable about early development can become so valuable and save everyone lots of stress and frustration.

If you are in a place of either (1) not knowing which trigger is the one to follow up on or (2) being so discouraged that there are no obvious patterns to your little ones difficulties or (3) so overwhelmed with advice and plans from different well meaning loved ones or providers, then let's talk!

For more information about my approach to therapy visit my Child Therapy page.

Jeri Lea Kroll is a psychotherapist and parent coach specializing in early childhood, parenting, trauma, attachment across the lifespan and adoption using a lens informed by attachment theory and the relational neurosciences. She is also an adopted person and adoptive parent. She provides therapy and coaching to individuals, parents and families virtually from her office in Michigan.

Jeri Lea offers a free 30 minute discovery session to those considering coaching or therapy. You can request a discovery session HERE.